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20 Nov

What’s to Be Thankful For?

Author: Greg  //  Category: Comedy

 

As a stand up comic, I am thoroughly grateful for Thanksgiving.  From inappropriate family members to meddling in-laws and kids who haven’t yet crashed from the sugar rush of Halloween, Thanksgiving provides an entire year’s worth of material.  Believe you me, there’s nothing healthier than having a good laugh at your family’s expense… especially if it keeps you from crying!

 If you’re just having a tough year or for those of you without a “gratitude journal,” maybe I can help jump start your thankfulness.  As a mom, here are some of the little things that I am thankful for:

 I’m thankful for the new cookbook I bought because I don’t know how long I’m supposed to boil the pasta before putting the water in.

 I’m thankful that my children love to eat vegetables so there will be more turkey for me.

 I’m thankful that my kids stopped asking me to do cartwheels because the last time they did, I needed to be hospitalized from vertigo.

 I’m thankful that my kids tell the truth even though it may sometimes hurt grandpa’s feelings when they shout, “You have stinky breath!”

 I’m thankful for the Cartoon Network – so I can put my kids in front of the TV and maybe they’ll leave me alone for five minutes.

 I’m thankful that I learned how to pause, listen and take the time to understand why my child is yelling before I start yelling, “STOP YELLING!”

 I’m thankful for my master closet.  It’s where I take my children when I don’t want to berate them in public. 

 I’m thankful that my kids show compassion so that they will become caring adults who hopefully won’t put me in a nursing home.

 I’m thankful that I can afford a mammogram every year so I can get my husband to stop trying to check for lumps.

 I’m thankful that my kids make their beds, clean their rooms and wash their dishes so if they don’t go to college, they will always be able to fall back on their valuable domestic skills.  (Or live at home forever and be my personal assistants.)

 I’m thankful for the ability to apologize when I’m wrong, if that should ever happen to occur.

 I’m thankful that my children show kindness to their relatives so that I don’t have to.

I’m thankful that I never hit my kids.  I hit other people’s kids.

 I’m thankful that I am present to each and every precious moment watching my children grow up – after I’ve had a mimosa.

 Stephanie Blum is a perpetually pregnant psychologist and stand-up comic with two kids and another due in January.  Her recent appearances include The Sands in Las Vegas, Comics Unleashed with Bryon Allen and HBO’s Comedy Minutes.  Her articles have appeared in Child Magazine, Parents Magazine and The Hot Mom’s Handbook.  Email her at Stephanie@StephanieBlum.com or visit her at MomsNightOutShow.com

 

 

 

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07 Oct

Halloween - Not Again!

Author: Stephanie  //  Category: Comedy
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26 Sep

I’M NO SARAH PALIN

Author: Stephanie  //  Category: Uncategorized
  So I’m pregnant with my third child. I know.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I am not and will never be like Sarah Palin.  I’m stopping at three.  How does she keep track of everything???  I’m constantly in fear of leaving one of my kids on the hood of the car like a cup of coffee. 
 
I can barely find my glasses on a daily basis, let alone run a country. She seems to be able to locate her glasses for every interview.  And hiding her pregnancy for seven months?  How did she manage that???  I’ve been wearing my maternity underwear since I found out I was pregnant!  And let me tell you, they are very, very sexy.
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 A woman should DEFINETLY follow her dreams the way a man does.  I became a female stand up comic by following my dreams.  But how do you balance THE LIFE OF A POLITICIAN AND STILL HAVE A SOMEWHAT SANE FAMILY???  Is she neglecting her family?  Mine isn’t even a full-time job and I neglect my family constantly. 

Maybe she’s a genius at time management.  My daily planner has crayon scribbles and vomit stains all over it.  Plus, my son flushed my watch. And speaking of time, when does she get some time for herself if she has to go straight from work to take care of her family?  Hunting bison can let off only so much steam.  We need some time to ourselves. 

No matter how far women have come in the workforce…our guilt of not being there for our kids has remained the same.  And let’s be honest, when your kid starts calling the other kids “mother-fuckers” in class - Who does the teacher want to talk to?  ME, THE MOTHER - THAT’S WHO.

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This is not really about Sarah Palin but the issues that she brings up for me. I never thought of myself as an old fashioned woman, but there is really nothing better for a child than a mother’s love, time and attention. I don’t want to be one of those mothers who judges other mothers, but really…WHEN DOES SHE HAVE TIME TO BE WITH HER KIDS???  Oops - Was that a judgment?  Listen, I am far from perfect. I let my kids watch too much TV, sometimes give them snacks before dinner, and no - they don’t take a bath every night.  So go ahead and judge me. But what I can say is although they may be a bit dirty and stinky at times…I am right there by their side holding my nose.  And I’m definitely stopping at three.

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05 Sep

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Author: Stephanie  //  Category: Comedy

Why do I get butterflies on the first day of school?  I mean I am not the one going through 3rd grade, my son is.  When he told me he was nervous, I said “me too.”  He looked at me like I was nuts. 

I want to like the teacher as much as I want her to like my kid and me.  Why do I care?  Well if she likes me, she’ll be nicer to my kid.  I believe that.  And to make sure she is nice, she will get a really good holiday gift. Yes I am a kiss-ass.

And the moms are back trying to fit in as well.  Some want to be friends with the cool kid’s moms and talk about all the moms that are not so cool.  ”Who is pregnant?”  “Who just gained weight?”  ”Is my kid in the smart class?”

I worry.  Is my son with the kids he wants to be with as well as who I want him to be with?  I prayed that he would not be with this kid Sam.  He was a bit shady.  I know shady might be a little harsh for a 3rd grader but he was.  He would try to sell his Nintendo games to the kids and make a profit.  I expected him to come to school in a trench coat.

So the school year has begun and fortunately, Sam is in another class.  My son is happy so I am happy and the butterflies in my stomach have settled once again.

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